There are many reasons why relationships end. Sometimes couples drift apart, sometimes love fades, and sometimes one partner may not have treated the other well. Whatever the reason, it’s not uncommon for an ex to resurface and express a desire to get back together. But before you even consider giving the relationship another shot, there are some important things you need to reflect on.

Choosing to reunite with someone—especially if they hurt you—is a serious decision. You should never rush back into a relationship without being sure that things will truly be different this time. The challenge, of course, is figuring out whether real change has actually happened.

If you’re in this situation, know that you’re not alone. Many people have faced the same dilemma. If you’re unsure what to do when your ex wants you back or still seems emotionally attached, here’s a thoughtful approach to help you decide.

# Revisit the breakup in your mind

This might be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary. Think about how things ended. Was it respectful and mutual, or filled with hurtful words and toxic behavior?

If the breakup was messy or emotionally damaging, you should be cautious about going back. However, if it ended peacefully and was more about timing or circumstances, there may be room to reconsider.

# See what they’ve been doing

Take a look at what they’ve been up to since the breakup. A quick scroll through social media can give you insight into their lifestyle and mindset.

If they’ve been focusing on growth and stability, that’s one thing. But if they’ve been jumping from one person to another, it might signal that they’re seeking attention rather than a meaningful reconnection.

# Ask yourself if you truly miss them

Do you genuinely miss them, or do you just miss the comfort of having someone? Has your life felt lighter, happier, or less stressful since the breakup?

If you’ve been thriving on your own, that’s important to acknowledge. Being peacefully single is far better than being unhappy in a relationship.

# Talk to your friends

Your close friends often see things more clearly than you do. If they witnessed unhealthy behavior in your relationship, they may strongly advise against going back.

On the other hand, if they felt your relationship was healthy overall, their perspective could help you weigh your decision. Ultimately, the choice is yours—but outside input can be valuable.

# Reflect on your relationship before it ended

What was your dynamic like? Did you communicate openly? Were conflicts handled maturely?

If the breakup was caused by poor timing or a misunderstanding in an otherwise healthy relationship, reconciliation might make sense. But if there was emotional or verbal abuse, that’s a serious red flag you shouldn’t ignore.

# Consider the level of trust

Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you don’t fully trust them, getting back together will likely lead to more pain and insecurity.

Without trust, the relationship won’t survive. With it, there may be a real chance to rebuild.

# Be honest about your feelings

This is perhaps the most important step. Do you truly love them, or are you just nostalgic? Caring for someone is not the same as being in love with them.

Take time to understand your emotions clearly before making a decision.

# Make sure they’re not just lonely

Sometimes an ex returns simply because they feel alone—not because they genuinely want you back.

If they ended things and are now reaching out because they miss companionship, that’s not a strong foundation for reconciliation. Don’t confuse their loneliness with love.

# Pay attention to when they reach out

Timing matters. Did they contact you randomly, or right after seeing you with someone else?

If their message seems triggered by jealousy, their intentions may not be pure. Understanding why they reached out can help you evaluate their sincerity.

# Decide what you truly want

At the end of the day, the decision is yours. Think about what will bring you long-term happiness.

If your relationship ended respectfully and both of you have grown, giving it another chance might be worth considering. Trust your instincts, look at the bigger picture, and choose what feels right for your future.