We live in the age of quarrel getting all worked up about relatively minor things from road rage to family feuds, to people’s idiosyncrasies, to miscommunication, perception of situations to feelings of injustice. Of course, there are times when we must stand up for what is right, however my sense is that most of the times, nine out of ten disputes are uncalled for. Either they are unimportant in the bigger picture or resolvable through other means.




When two people are angry with each other, it’s a bit strange to see them shout at each other despite being next to each other. The reason why they shout when they are angry is because although they are next to each other physically, their hearts have become very far apart & because their hearts are so far apart, they feel the need to shout, to make up that distance. It works the other way as well, when you can be in the same room with someone & you don’t have to say anything, just the movement of the face & they understand you & you understand them, but this can only happen in a heart-to-heart relationship.




There is really no need to fight because even when we win an argument, generally we lose:




- We lose relationships,




- We lose perspective,




- We lose peace of mind,




- We lose focus &




- We lose energy






‘The winner is often the biggest loser’.It’s not that the truth is always black & white. They say that I have my version of the truth, you have your version of the truth & then there’s the actual truth. The problem is that we think, we are right & they are wrong or the other way around, they are right & we are wrong. Perhaps we are both right to an extent & then there’s the higher truth, probably beyond what both of us can grasp at this moment in time. Maybe they have a piece of the truth, that I am missing and maybe I have a piece of the truth, that they are missing. When it comes to mistakes of others, we become a judge & when it comes to our mistakes, we become lawyers.




Every disagreement does not have to be an argument & if we respond to disagreements in an appropriate way, with patience & a genuine desire to understand, it can elevate our consciousness. Every disagreement is pregnant with a positive & negative potential & developing a progressive response in argumentative situations can be a very liberating experience & here are some tips:



- Tolerance: the first moments of a conflict situation can determine the entire conversation & we need to be tolerant & patient. The art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time but to leave unsaid the wrong things at the tempting moments. Often even more important than what we say is how we say it.



- Circumstance: beyond the perceived irrationality of the actions & words, try to understand why someone is doing what they do. Uncovering the hidden story could be the key to progress. Hearing the unheard or to really hear someone, you don’t just have to hear with your ears, but you must hear with the heart. In interpersonal relations, the golden rule is first you seek to understand and then to be understood but for that we must listen with an open heart & an open mind.



- Acceptance: do we ever consider that there may not be a right or wrong answer? By accepting that we are all individuals, we can more fully appreciate that conflict is often a case of different ‘angles of vision’ illuminating the same truth. When we take the ego out of the situation, then you hold the key to resolution but while there is ego in the formula there is no progression.



- Importance: keep disagreements in perspective & calmly evaluate their importance. Many issues can easily be dropped or ignored, but often our emotional involvement keeps us doggedly fighting till the last breath.



- Transcendence: we love to prove ourselves right & the others wrong but the spiritual principle is to transcend right & wrong. The real aim of an argument should not be victory, but progress. If a concession of ‘defeat’ improves our relationships, helps us to develop character & opens opportunities for progressive solutions, then where is the problem?





Authored by: Rahul Singh, Spiritual Seeker